Mastizade Review: Dare you to attend this crass course

If I’m not mistaken it’s twice in a row (last being Ek Paheli Leela) that Sunny Leone plays two roles in a film for the price of a ticket.

The two Sunny Leones here are sisters. Their mom called Seema used to be a nymphomaniac. Their dad’s an actor who’s always played a soldier in movies, and so believes he’s still protecting the seema, or border, but “Seema mein sab ghus jaate thhe.” Asrani, who we haven’t seen for long, plays this father, called UR Ashit. No, no. This is the shit.

The Sunny Leone twins run a sex-addict rehab camp. A tagline of this film goes #SikkaHilegaAaj. Which basically refers to a coin that the two Sunny Leones put on each of their sex addict patient’s crouch while they dance before them half naked. If the coin falls off, or rather jumps up, or actually flies off, these sex addicts need help still. Hmmm.

Tusshar Kapoor, Vir Das play these incurable sex maniacs. The joke’s really on them. The movie’s on Sunny Leone, of course. She’s supposed to bring in all the chavannis into cinema halls. Which is not a surprise. More sperms have been spent on Sunny Leone over the Internet than could have doubled India’s population.

She’s arguably the first former porn-star in the world to hit mainstream as a lead actor. What does that say about us? Nothing at all. Except that if she was really from Punjab (she’s fully Canadian, and only of Indian descent), and went by her real name, Karenjit Vohra, the audiences would have reacted to her quite differently.

But hell yeah, she’s hot, even if the CNN-IBN anchor Bhupendra Chaubey doesn’t agree; and so what if Prasoon Pandey doesn’t approve of her past profession.

She’s the sex quotient in this film. But this film is a sex-comedy, I thought. So what about the comedy? It’s merely the lena, dena, daalna, hilana, ghusana, khada hai, bada hai kinda repetitive stuff that might embarrass some hardcore Kanti Shah audiences. Or maybe not.

It is what it is. There to either test your patience by the minute (no, really); or excite guilty pleasures among the sexually repressed, who can only laugh about sex, because seriously watching, or talking about it, is supposedly taboo.

Very poorly shot, standard, third-rate double-meaning fare is what you get then. And god knows we’ve seen so many such that it’s hard to keep track. I don’t know whether Mastizaade is related to Grand Masti, which was the same as Kya Kool Hai Hum 1, 2, or 3 that released only last week.

I know one thing. We have an excessively Neanderthal censor board currently that decides on our collective moral compass. It’s their right to. Because we elected a government to install such a board. That’s what we wanted evidently. One must respect that.

Like others of its kind, I hope this movie does really well too, because that’s what we collectively want as well. This is the entertainment the public elects. The government ought to respect that. Largest democracy and all, no? Why be the largest hypocrisy? Lele, I say!